The Pressure of Positivity
Staying positive in the face of adversity is an extremely difficult task. As humans, we like to feel good and have been taught that certain emotions are more socially acceptable than others. Showing sadness and distress in public can be upsetting to others and as a result, people internalize their grief, stress, and trauma or find other ways of expressing it that are more or less socially acceptable.
When it comes to chronic illness or cancer, prolonged human suffering is involved. Those who are diagnosed with conditions that threaten their very existence, begin to stand face to face with their own mortality. This is not something that the average person has to encounter. For the most part, young people go about their lives as if they have an infinite amount of time. Even when losing a loved one there is a brief moment of clarity of how life is so fragile but then after time goes on it fades away.
When one is faced with their own mortality and must continue living, it can be incredibly difficult to stay positive. People will encourage those with life-threatening illnesses to stay positive as if that is what is going to keep them alive. Whether they realize it or not, this puts a heavy weight on those living with chronic life-threatening illness. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. To expect someone to stay positive all of the time is first, unrealistic and second, ignores their internal reality. As if their internal reality is too scary for others to bare witness to.
When an individual with cancer hears “I’m here whenever. Stay positive.” from friends and family it’s almost as if they’re hearing “I’m going to tell you that I’m here to listen but I don’t actually want to hear your inner fears and worries because it’s uncomfortable for me so hang in there!”. It can feel somewhat dismissive and honestly does more harm than good. What’s wrong with being negative sometimes? There’s no research that proves being positive increases a person’s chances of survival. Let people process their fear and discomfort with having a scary diagnosis. If you’re not emotionally capable of giving someone the space to express their fears and worries then it’s better not to say anything at all. It’s totally fine to not have the capacity, but don’t pretend to.
As a young breast cancer survivor, I just want people to know that surviving an illness comes down to mostly environment and biology - not positivity.